Acknowledgment: Anger & Resentment

I’ve always known that I felt a certain way but today is the day that I acknowledge. I’ve never said it out loud or said the words to anyone. Yet today, I know I was and still filled with anger and resentment. Enough to bring me to tears. The subject will always do something to me. It’s like a scar that will never heal. It’s a situation that can’t be undone. I keep telling myself it was out of my hands and nothing I could have said or done would have made it any better.

It was not my fight but I was affected as I’m a family member. Sometimes you don’t realize how angry you are until the heat of the moment or the subject comes up again. It’s like you have to re-live the old pains. It puts you right back in that place. This is why sometimes I choose to walk away or simply avoid the situation or talks about it. I know it’s also not good to avoid it but sometimes, it’s for my peace of mind. I really hate it so much. I hate how things turned out. I keep thinking to myself, we truly are a broken family. I wish we could undo everything and be a family again. (No, this doesn’t involve any cheating but more so internal cultural values/family problems.) It’s a complex situation and just can’t be undone. Some people who know about the problems have told us they think it’s fixable and a situation that can be forgivable. Until you’re in these shoes or those shoes, it just can’t be. I know because I’m inside the family and I’ve already tried. No side will budge. It’s an awful and sad outcome.

Deep inside, I know I have always been angry and resent my family but I didn’t want to admit it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m lying to myself. (It’s also one of those situations where, you can’t live without them either.) For sure, I’m not acting like we are still a perfect family. I know this because we don’t even gather as a whole family anymore. It’s always without part of the family. Currently, I’m only associating myself with part of them. It never feels whole and feels weird/empty. It’s like you’re happy but you’re not satisfied either. You’re just simply there to be there. Glass half empty/half full.

The sorrows of being Human

As I write this, I’m feeling grief and sadness. The reality is that I’m mourning someone who isn’t dead. They are very much alive. Sometimes things can’t go our way and with that, we have to cut our losses. It’s sad when people are alive but we just can’t move forward together.

It’s been roughly three years now and I’m still mourning. I feel my heart will always ache. It sucks more when they are your family and blood. It cuts so deep. All the pain just comes rushing back with a simple song. The words are a reminder that deep inside I’ll always care and that I tried so hard to piece everything together. When there is a divide among family and you try your best to fix it all to no avail.

In the end, it was still a loss. My heart is left crumpled and there is this giant gaping hole. Nothing will ever patch it up. It hurts immensely. The floodgates opened up again upon hearing a song. The Hmong translation for this song was actually written for the loss of his mother. In my case, I felt the sadness but it wasn’t because of my mother. It is for the loss of my sister. The day I heard this song, I didn’t realize why I wanted to search it up and listen to it again. I knew I felt an immense sadness but didn’t figure it out at that time. This morning, when I went back to listen the tears started rolling. That’s when I knew it was for my sister.

People looking in would say, relationships may be able to repair itself. If only it was so simple. Even with my dad and his brothers, there was also a rip. Looking back, I recall my youngest uncle telling me that things just can’t be the same and can’t be fixed. As we drove away from the family reunion weekend, I felt sad and broken. Those words just kept echoing. At the time, I was in my mid twenties and felt like they were just being selfish. I didn’t understand why relationships can’t be repaired. Especially, when you are blood family. Now, that I’m older I realize that things aren’t so simple. There are so many little things all beaten up together. It’s like when you’re baking and mixing. You just can’t take things back. There has already been too much added in.

Life is so sad. I look back and revisit the good memories. Sometimes I cry about it because it’s all I can do now. Mourning the good times and cherishing them. Knowing that perhaps that is truly all we have left.

Below is the song that broke me. The title is called Nrhiav Kuv Niam by Jason Thao. The English translation of the song is “Searching for my Mother.” Basically, he is recalling all the memories of his mom and searching for her after losing her. Saying he will go into the next lifetime and will go in search of his mother. He’ll cross valleys and mountains to go bring his mom back. Even when he got there, he couldn’t find the one whom he calls his Mother. He will forever remember her love and that if there is a Heaven (and a next lifetime); hopefully, it remembers that they can be one again (mother & son).

35

I’m writing for no particular reason other than it’s been years. Maybe it’s because my heart is heavy and so much has changed in my life. Some are good and some are bad but that’s just how life is. It’s crazy how as we grow and age, our perceptions are different. Maybe it’s also because social media plays a huge part in our lives now. So we all learn to ebb and flow with the times.

I went through some of my older posts and I think it’s been at least three years since I’ve written anything. So many things have changed. I’ve lost and gained. Been happy and sad. Also, been through some very tough times in these past three years. I don’t know how else to explain it other than these were lessons and perhaps just meant to be that way.

Something that keeps popping up is that I will always love unconditionally. I will never understand why people can just drop off and walk away from anything or anyone. It’s the saddest thing. If you loved before, how does love just wilt away so quickly. This is what makes me feel that love is so painful. The reason why I will only believe that with family, it will always be unconditional love. However, when it comes to relationships it’s a double-edged sword. They do so say, with love we can’t always be afraid. Yet, I’m so afraid because I’m not sure if I will ever find unconditional love outside of my blood family. It’s something I yearn for but only find in myself when I’m with someone. I realize we all love differently but to know that someone else other than family, loves you unconditionally… I want that so much! I feel like that would be such a goal and feat for me. I think it will be blissful and I can die happy knowing there is someone else other than my family who loves me unconditionally. Life is so many shades and we never know what we will get. I pray and hope that better things are to come… in life and in love.

Generalizing

What’s up with the generalization everytime something major happens? It’s sad to see groups of people being targeted. I’ve always advocated and even had disagreements with my own family and friends.

As a person, I wish to believe and acknowledge that not all people are bad people. Sure, we have a few bad ones but not ALL people are bad.

This is one of the examples I always use. If my own blood family member, went out and killed someone, am I automatically a criminal as well? Because I’m related to that person, it makes me a bad person?

I think as an individual, we choose to believe or think that we are good or have done enough good deeds. If we can believe this about ourselves, why can’t others be the same? Why must we generalize and target whole groups?

This is just something that’s been bugging me. Maybe I need to get off social media because reading people’s comments on posts and articles are shocking.

“I wanna be where the people are.” -Ariel from The Little Mermaid

If COVID-19 doesn’t go away soon, I think I’m going to go crazy. At this point, who isn’t? While plenty of people are probably satisfied with working from home, I can’t deal with it. Feels like I’m a caged up animal.

My employer implemented work from home last week, however, those of us who are deemed essential does have to commute two to three times a week. This week they had to halt and put us on lockdown because the county went on lockdown for seven days. So this entire week, I’m at home. The plus is that I don’t have to make the 45 minutes commute to work and another 45 minutes back home.

Negatives? How about everything else. I’m sick of hearing about the virus. It also sucks to be deemed essential and then have others comment and say that we shouldn’t be traveling/going out because it’s not safe. Unfortunately, it’s part of the job and I need to be there a few days out of the week. I am taking all precautions as suggested. Most importantly, I make sure to stay my distance.

So I’m here and singing the tune from The Little Mermaid in my head. I know that we can’t change things quickly but I do hope that eveyone is being cautious so that we can return to our normal routines.

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Sunflowers

This is a late post but on August 6th, my sister was in town with her kids so we decided to visit the sunflower fields at The Grove in Murfreesboro. She’s never been before and it’s always an amazing experience for first-timers. However, every time the farm decides to plant these sunflowers I always feel the need to visit.

This is the first year that they charged a fee of $5 per person or $20 per vehicle. I think it’s great because I know they put a lot of work into these fields. Plus, I want to see the sunflowers again next year or whatever else they decide to plant.

Also, we visited the day after a storm so the sunflowers were looking droopy and sad. It wasn’t like the ones I’ve seen two or three years ago at full bloom and every flower was perfect. This time I could only find ONE perfectly bloomed sunflower. Still good enough for photos! For my sister that is! I ended up being the photographer and also took some short clips of our visit.

Basic Hmong Food

Lately, I’ve been thinking about introducing basic Hmong food to anyone who is interested. Our modern day food is so different from what it used to be. Back in the days, our food was much more simpler. Less ingredients and what I would consider healthy. To be honest, Hmong food was simple due to the fact that my people were wanderers and jungle people. We didn’t have a lot and everyone had to work hard for what they had. Let’s put it simply, Hmong people were makers. Everything you owned, you probably had a hand in making it.

I believe this is why a lot of us grow up and want to try our hand at cooking and growing our own food. Maybe it’s in our blood or because we know we can’t get certain dishes to taste authentic if we don’t grow our own herbs, greens, peppers, and vegetables.  Not only that there is always the sense of satisfaction when you reap what you sow. In addition, our famed dish in the culture can only be cooked with herbs that we grow in our backyards. This dish is our Hmong herbal chicken soup. There are so many herbs that one could incorporate into the broth. I am not an expert on these herbs and a lot of these we just have Hmong names for them. I wouldn’t be able to say what the names of these are in English. (I did happen to come upon someone’s illustration of several herbs a few years back but I’d have to dig for it. If I find it, I will share it.)

Basically, these herbs have medicinal properties and most of these have been in the family for a long time. It is basically like an heirloom seed/herb. Sometimes when you visit another family, they might have a different kind of herb and if they are willing, you could probably take some home and replant. To my knowledge, there are many herbs that can be used. I think it really depends on how you like your broth and what herbs you want to use. It also helps if you know what the herb is for. A lot of times, people use herbs because it helps to flavor the chicken and the broth. It also makes the soup really fragrant. The most common ones are lemongrass and Hmong cilantro seeds. I have to specify Hmong cilantro seeds because our cilantro that we grow is different from cilantro you will find at your regular grocery stores. It is more fragrant. (I know a lot of people don’t even like cilantro because they say it smells or that it tastes like soap? I actually thought cilantro from grocers smell like nothing. Lol)

Aside from those two, there are plenty more. For example, my parents also has something that resembles lemongrass but it is like the baby version. It is a tinier herb with shorter but still long-ish leaves like lemongrass. It is also thinner and more delicate. Imagine lemongrass but 10x smaller. We also have an herb that we call “red duck foot” in Hmong. At least from what I recall, that’s the literal translation. It is a red purplish herb and the leaves are shaped like that of a duck’s foot. Hence the name. There are a few more but I won’t get into those.

To cook this dish you would need a freshly killed chicken. That is the preference for all Hmong people but you could definitely use a raw store bought whole chicken. Most times, I prefer store bought because fresh chicken is like game meats. There is a difference and much stronger flavor to it. I don’t mind it too much but it’s probably not for everyone’s taste buds. Especially, if you’re used to eating store bought chicken.

This dish is fairly simple and basic. All you need is whole chicken, herbs, salt, black pepper, and water. Think Hainanese chicken but with herbs instead of ginger and garlic to flavor chicken and the broth. Typically, this dish is eaten with the herbal soup on the side, along with rice and chicken (once cooked through, we chop it into pieces). There is also some kind of pepper dipping sauce or paste for your chicken.

Not only is this a typical Hmong meal but it is also eaten by mothers who just went through childbirth. It is actually a practice to eat this dish for 30 days straight for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A lot of folks say it’s to nourish and replenish your body since this soup has medicinal properties, however, I think this came into play because Hmongs didn’t have much back then. Even in today’s time, Hmong women still practice the eating of herbal chicken soup for 30 days. I can’t even imagine that since I’ve never been a mother. I’m sure I’ll be tired of it after the second meal of the day.

 

PHOTOS

Freshly killed whole chickens that have been cooked in herbal broth. Yes, a lot of people cook the chicken with head and feet on. No worries, chicken has been thoroughly cleaned and gutted. Head, neck, and feet are some people’s favorites. I don’t eat those but it doesn’t bother me that it’s all cooked together. I just don’t grab those parts when it’s eating time.

This is usually what the chicken pieces look like once we chop it up. I’m amazed at the chopping skills of most Hmong people. Sadly, I am not skilled in this. Maybe one day I will master this technique.

NYC for a first-timer!

Let’s just say that what I thought about NYC in terms of safety wasn’t an issue at all. We stayed in the Nomad area and it’s actually pretty nice and safe. So safe that I wouldn’t have minded walking by myself at night! We were somehow lucky enough to find Hotel Henri after our Airbnb canceled on us. I remember being really bummed about it but it worked out for the best. (Uber or taxi ride from LGA to Hotel Henri will run you about $40-60; wide range of prices depending if you choose taxi or Uber. Another factor is getting stuck in traffic and being charged for it.)

The hotel was situated about a block from the Flatiron building and roughly 10-15 minutes walk to Koreatown. Not bad at all! Also, Manhattan Mall is about the same walking distance. It couldn’t have turned out better. We had food and shopping on our radar and being asians we definitely needed our fill of rice every now and then. So blessed to be in the proximity of delicious food and so much variety, too!

I’ll also add that the Empire State building was also within walking distance. At most, 20-25 minutes walk or less if you speed walk. We got there around 11pm on a Wednesday night. No waiting in line at all! However, we did have trouble finding the entrance door to the ESB! This bypasser knew we were lost so he pointed us in the general direction. Thanks to the kind sir! Once you’re at the entrance to the ESB, they actually did have a sign haha… it would’ve been nice if there were signs saying not this door yet! We actually went to two wrong doors before we got to the correct entryway. Yes, that guy pointed us to the entryway twice… like not yet. You guys still have to keep going. Pretty embarrassing! Lol However, it was a sight to see! We went at night because I heard that’s when it’s most beautiful. It definitely was worth it to me. A few people actually recommend going to Top of the Rock. They say the views are better and the lines aren’t as long. Perhaps, that will be on my list for next time.

Another must see for me was the Museum of Natural History! I’ve always been fascinated with seeing the way people lived, what they ate, what they wore, etc… so I really enjoyed my time there. My only regret was that we got there later than I wanted so time was limited. Be aware the museum closes at 5:45 and they do recommend at least two hours. We didn’t even have that amount of time. Being in a state of rush, I felt I didn’t get a sense of understanding and missed out on being mesmerized by it all. It will be part of my stop again. (Uber ride cost from Manhattan Mall to Museum was about $40-50; when we came back, it was more expensive because we got caught in rush hour.)

The last two things that I’m going to talk about is probably top of the list for all tourists who has never been to NYC. However, knowing what I know and have seen; I wouldn’t hit up these places again. These two spots are Times Square and the Statue of Liberty. Personally, Times Square is jammed pack. It’s just not my thing because being a country bumpkin, I like my personal space. Sure, it’s nice to see and be like oh this is what all the people talk about or what you’ve seen on TV… but I’d rather be in less crowded parts of NY. A lot of people dont even recommend staying in Times Square because of all the noise and how packed it gets. If you’re not there for shows, stay elsewhere unless you just love crowds.

As for the Statue of Liberty, I wouldn’t go again because the wait is forever. I felt like we spent our afternoon waiting in line to get on a boat when I could’ve been exploring other parts of the city or eating delicious foods. If you don’t already know, you must go to Battery Park to buy or pick up your pre-purchased tickets. We bought the NY “city pass” (and had the option to choose three of six or maybe seven tourist spots.) Once we got dropped off by our Uber driver at Battery Park, if you keep walking towards the inner of the park there are some people that will direct you to where you need to go. In this case, they told us we needed to go to the brown building in the center of the park to pick up our tickets since we bought the city pass. Once tickets are picked up, I recommend taking a bathroom break. You will be standing in line for the next 1.5 to 2 hours. (I even asked the ticket counter lady and she said it was only 30 minutes!) I kept thinking to myself that we were tricked! Lol… I asked her because on our way to pick up tickets, you already see the line and it’s extremely long! Be aware that at midway point before getting on the boat, you have to go through security like at the airport. The only differences is that you don’t have to take off your shoes but all other items and jackets does go into the bucket in front of you. You’ll also go through a metal detector. They ask that you don’t bring in outside drinks but I had a Bai drink with me. It had those twist top lids and was inside my bag and it went through fine. Once on the boat (holds 600 people), it was a fairly quick ride to the island. However, everyone is trying to get off the boat so that takes a good 10 minutes to unload. I am happy to announce that your waiting for a boat to Ellis Island or back to Battery Park isn’t  as bad! Hooray! A sense of relief. (Uber ride from Hotel Henri to Battery Park was around $35-45.)

Overall, I am excited about the next time I’ll go to NYC! There is still much more I’d like to see and eat. Hopefully, I can catch a great deal and have opportunity to go again. We just got back on the 15th and my mind keeps wandering back. I don’t remember feeling this way when I visited San Francisco. I think NYC has my heart or something.

 

PICTURES

At Kung Fu Tea on our first night in NYC

In Times Square

On the Statue of Liberty island with NYC in the distance

We ate at Thai Villa on Wednesday night for Sunny’s birthday. This place was so glam and gorgeous! I loved the atmosphere of this place and it is definitely a place for dates or any kind of special event. However, their red curry isn’t my favorite. It’s good but I’ve just had better.

 

Grace Street Cafe: I have seen this shop on IG and marked it as a place that I wanted to visit. It didn’t disappoint. This place stays pretty packed but you should wait for a table. The Korean shaved snow and their hot milk teas are worth the wait. I will miss eating the shaved snow! It’s lightly sweetened, creamy, and milky. We got the strawberry shaved snow that came with a strawberry drizzle, strawberry slices, lychee jelly pieces, and topped off with some dried rose petals. So pretty and my kind of dessert!

 

Taiyaki: Another shop that I saw on IG. Yeah, I look at food a lot on IG! 😅 This is Japanese style ice cream in a fish pancake. While we were waiting in line outside… you could already smell the sweetness of the batter. It’s kind of like walking into a bakery where fresh bread is currently baking. Always smells good and I won’t forget the smell. The ice cream flavors I got was actually matcha and roasted matcha. To me, this ice cream was like a cross between soft serve and ice cream. It wasn’t as thick as ice cream but thicker than soft serve. It was creamy and delicious! The amount of sugar in this is way less than traditional ice cream. You can taste the sweetness but it’s not overpowering. I wish we had this close by.

 

Milkcow: While in Chinatown, we came across this soft serve shop. I actually flagged it on Yelp but glad we accidentally stumbled upon it as well. I went with something simple but it was delish! I got the milky honey and it’s basically milky goodness drizzled with some honey. Again, I wish we had these goodies where I live.

Here’s a picture of me looking at Lady Liberty. It was super windy that day but I’m glad for it. Without the winds, I think it would’ve been really humid.

The Kunjip: We randomly ate at this shop for a late lunch. No one knew what to eat, so I just chose it since we were standing in front of it. Not only that, the guy was telling us to come in. It was meant to be! I got their lunch special of pork bibimbop (mixed rice with veggies in a hot stone bowl) with soondubu (soft and silky tofu soup). Both were so tasty and I don’t even mind if the food is scorching hot! It was too good to think about my food burning my mouth. Plus, with Korean food they always bring out the small side dishes. It’s always such a treat and I find myself really enjoying the banchan.

 

FYI, we did ride the subway once. It wasn’t so bad but we weren’t sure of where we would end up so we got off on the next stop. If I ride the subway again, I’ll study the map really good. For the majority of our time in NYC, we walked mostly and a few uber rides to the places that were furthest such as Chinatown and to the Museum/Central Park.

Sleep Paralysis

I recently went through a traumatic and terrifying experience. According to studies, this is commonly referred to as sleep paralysis. For two whole weeks, my sleep has been thrown off and I couldn’t bring myself to not feel fearful. It’s kind of weird that I had the experience on Halloween morning. Basically, I stirred and woke up around 3am because I felt the need to use the restroom but I decided against it. Just as I was about to fall asleep I heard this very loud, crashing noise. All of a sudden, I felt very scared and immediately in my mind I had already started to pray. That didn’t stop anything because I then felt like there was pressure on my bedside like someone was trying to lie down next to me. I tried with all my might to move, shove, and scream but could not. While I was finally focused on trying to scream to get anything out, the thing decided to breathe into my left ear. That spooked the crap out of me and I started scream at the top of my lungs. Finally, I was able to let out a pretty loud, terrifying scream. So loud that my sister woke up and heard me. By the time, she had heard me though I had already managed to turn on the lights, too. (In the morning, my sister finally told me that even my terrified scream had her feeling scared, too. That she knew for sure that I was beyond scared and that my scream sounded really scary… scary as though something had definitely tried to spook me.)

After that, I had to force myself not to sleep for the next 2.5 hours. I left the lights on but eventually drifted off to sleep. Every now and then I would wake up and feel scared again. I felt scared because I didn’t want to have the feelings of not being able to move or make any noise. Ever since that occurrence, I haven’t been able to sleep for the last two weeks. I would wake up often around 2-3am and feel frightened and felt the need to turn the lights on until I was ready to knock out again. Even during my weekends when I was supposed to sleep in I’ve been waking up and not falling asleep. That caused me to do my laundry at 7am on a Sunday morning because I was afraid to sleep in case anything strange happened. I really don’t know how else to handle this situation other than fighting my fears and being stronger. I think I did well last night for the first time in a long time. I didn’t turn my light on when I stirred in the morning and I really hope it will only get better from here on out. I’m so sick of feeling terrified and not being able to catch any sleep. Especially because I wake up so early to go to work it is definitely affecting my day and routine.

I have asked some facebook friends and family if they have experienced anything of the like and it is quite common. Especially, in the Hmong community. Not too sure about my American friends. Maybe they past this off as no big deal but in the Hmong community, we don’t see this as a mind trick as American people call it. We believe in the spiritual world so I honestly think this is my issue as well. Since I believe it as not just a mind trick I am more fearful. However, I am trying to believe that it truly is just in my mind and just a really bad, scary dream. Tonight, I will continue the prayers and hope for another good night’s rest.