I’ve always known that I felt a certain way but today is the day that I acknowledge. I’ve never said it out loud or said the words to anyone. Yet today, I know I was and still filled with anger and resentment. Enough to bring me to tears. The subject will always do something to me. It’s like a scar that will never heal. It’s a situation that can’t be undone. I keep telling myself it was out of my hands and nothing I could have said or done would have made it any better.
It was not my fight but I was affected as I’m a family member. Sometimes you don’t realize how angry you are until the heat of the moment or the subject comes up again. It’s like you have to re-live the old pains. It puts you right back in that place. This is why sometimes I choose to walk away or simply avoid the situation or talks about it. I know it’s also not good to avoid it but sometimes, it’s for my peace of mind. I really hate it so much. I hate how things turned out. I keep thinking to myself, we truly are a broken family. I wish we could undo everything and be a family again. (No, this doesn’t involve any cheating but more so internal cultural values/family problems.) It’s a complex situation and just can’t be undone. Some people who know about the problems have told us they think it’s fixable and a situation that can be forgivable. Until you’re in these shoes or those shoes, it just can’t be. I know because I’m inside the family and I’ve already tried. No side will budge. It’s an awful and sad outcome.
Deep inside, I know I have always been angry and resent my family but I didn’t want to admit it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m lying to myself. (It’s also one of those situations where, you can’t live without them either.) For sure, I’m not acting like we are still a perfect family. I know this because we don’t even gather as a whole family anymore. It’s always without part of the family. Currently, I’m only associating myself with part of them. It never feels whole and feels weird/empty. It’s like you’re happy but you’re not satisfied either. You’re just simply there to be there. Glass half empty/half full.
Living Life 