Acknowledgment: Anger & Resentment

I’ve always known that I felt a certain way but today is the day that I acknowledge. I’ve never said it out loud or said the words to anyone. Yet today, I know I was and still filled with anger and resentment. Enough to bring me to tears. The subject will always do something to me. It’s like a scar that will never heal. It’s a situation that can’t be undone. I keep telling myself it was out of my hands and nothing I could have said or done would have made it any better.

It was not my fight but I was affected as I’m a family member. Sometimes you don’t realize how angry you are until the heat of the moment or the subject comes up again. It’s like you have to re-live the old pains. It puts you right back in that place. This is why sometimes I choose to walk away or simply avoid the situation or talks about it. I know it’s also not good to avoid it but sometimes, it’s for my peace of mind. I really hate it so much. I hate how things turned out. I keep thinking to myself, we truly are a broken family. I wish we could undo everything and be a family again. (No, this doesn’t involve any cheating but more so internal cultural values/family problems.) It’s a complex situation and just can’t be undone. Some people who know about the problems have told us they think it’s fixable and a situation that can be forgivable. Until you’re in these shoes or those shoes, it just can’t be. I know because I’m inside the family and I’ve already tried. No side will budge. It’s an awful and sad outcome.

Deep inside, I know I have always been angry and resent my family but I didn’t want to admit it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m lying to myself. (It’s also one of those situations where, you can’t live without them either.) For sure, I’m not acting like we are still a perfect family. I know this because we don’t even gather as a whole family anymore. It’s always without part of the family. Currently, I’m only associating myself with part of them. It never feels whole and feels weird/empty. It’s like you’re happy but you’re not satisfied either. You’re just simply there to be there. Glass half empty/half full.

The sorrows of being Human

As I write this, I’m feeling grief and sadness. The reality is that I’m mourning someone who isn’t dead. They are very much alive. Sometimes things can’t go our way and with that, we have to cut our losses. It’s sad when people are alive but we just can’t move forward together.

It’s been roughly three years now and I’m still mourning. I feel my heart will always ache. It sucks more when they are your family and blood. It cuts so deep. All the pain just comes rushing back with a simple song. The words are a reminder that deep inside I’ll always care and that I tried so hard to piece everything together. When there is a divide among family and you try your best to fix it all to no avail.

In the end, it was still a loss. My heart is left crumpled and there is this giant gaping hole. Nothing will ever patch it up. It hurts immensely. The floodgates opened up again upon hearing a song. The Hmong translation for this song was actually written for the loss of his mother. In my case, I felt the sadness but it wasn’t because of my mother. It is for the loss of my sister. The day I heard this song, I didn’t realize why I wanted to search it up and listen to it again. I knew I felt an immense sadness but didn’t figure it out at that time. This morning, when I went back to listen the tears started rolling. That’s when I knew it was for my sister.

People looking in would say, relationships may be able to repair itself. If only it was so simple. Even with my dad and his brothers, there was also a rip. Looking back, I recall my youngest uncle telling me that things just can’t be the same and can’t be fixed. As we drove away from the family reunion weekend, I felt sad and broken. Those words just kept echoing. At the time, I was in my mid twenties and felt like they were just being selfish. I didn’t understand why relationships can’t be repaired. Especially, when you are blood family. Now, that I’m older I realize that things aren’t so simple. There are so many little things all beaten up together. It’s like when you’re baking and mixing. You just can’t take things back. There has already been too much added in.

Life is so sad. I look back and revisit the good memories. Sometimes I cry about it because it’s all I can do now. Mourning the good times and cherishing them. Knowing that perhaps that is truly all we have left.

Below is the song that broke me. The title is called Nrhiav Kuv Niam by Jason Thao. The English translation of the song is “Searching for my Mother.” Basically, he is recalling all the memories of his mom and searching for her after losing her. Saying he will go into the next lifetime and will go in search of his mother. He’ll cross valleys and mountains to go bring his mom back. Even when he got there, he couldn’t find the one whom he calls his Mother. He will forever remember her love and that if there is a Heaven (and a next lifetime); hopefully, it remembers that they can be one again (mother & son).

35

I’m writing for no particular reason other than it’s been years. Maybe it’s because my heart is heavy and so much has changed in my life. Some are good and some are bad but that’s just how life is. It’s crazy how as we grow and age, our perceptions are different. Maybe it’s also because social media plays a huge part in our lives now. So we all learn to ebb and flow with the times.

I went through some of my older posts and I think it’s been at least three years since I’ve written anything. So many things have changed. I’ve lost and gained. Been happy and sad. Also, been through some very tough times in these past three years. I don’t know how else to explain it other than these were lessons and perhaps just meant to be that way.

Something that keeps popping up is that I will always love unconditionally. I will never understand why people can just drop off and walk away from anything or anyone. It’s the saddest thing. If you loved before, how does love just wilt away so quickly. This is what makes me feel that love is so painful. The reason why I will only believe that with family, it will always be unconditional love. However, when it comes to relationships it’s a double-edged sword. They do so say, with love we can’t always be afraid. Yet, I’m so afraid because I’m not sure if I will ever find unconditional love outside of my blood family. It’s something I yearn for but only find in myself when I’m with someone. I realize we all love differently but to know that someone else other than family, loves you unconditionally… I want that so much! I feel like that would be such a goal and feat for me. I think it will be blissful and I can die happy knowing there is someone else other than my family who loves me unconditionally. Life is so many shades and we never know what we will get. I pray and hope that better things are to come… in life and in love.

Basic Hmong Food

Lately, I’ve been thinking about introducing basic Hmong food to anyone who is interested. Our modern day food is so different from what it used to be. Back in the days, our food was much more simpler. Less ingredients and what I would consider healthy. To be honest, Hmong food was simple due to the fact that my people were wanderers and jungle people. We didn’t have a lot and everyone had to work hard for what they had. Let’s put it simply, Hmong people were makers. Everything you owned, you probably had a hand in making it.

I believe this is why a lot of us grow up and want to try our hand at cooking and growing our own food. Maybe it’s in our blood or because we know we can’t get certain dishes to taste authentic if we don’t grow our own herbs, greens, peppers, and vegetables.  Not only that there is always the sense of satisfaction when you reap what you sow. In addition, our famed dish in the culture can only be cooked with herbs that we grow in our backyards. This dish is our Hmong herbal chicken soup. There are so many herbs that one could incorporate into the broth. I am not an expert on these herbs and a lot of these we just have Hmong names for them. I wouldn’t be able to say what the names of these are in English. (I did happen to come upon someone’s illustration of several herbs a few years back but I’d have to dig for it. If I find it, I will share it.)

Basically, these herbs have medicinal properties and most of these have been in the family for a long time. It is basically like an heirloom seed/herb. Sometimes when you visit another family, they might have a different kind of herb and if they are willing, you could probably take some home and replant. To my knowledge, there are many herbs that can be used. I think it really depends on how you like your broth and what herbs you want to use. It also helps if you know what the herb is for. A lot of times, people use herbs because it helps to flavor the chicken and the broth. It also makes the soup really fragrant. The most common ones are lemongrass and Hmong cilantro seeds. I have to specify Hmong cilantro seeds because our cilantro that we grow is different from cilantro you will find at your regular grocery stores. It is more fragrant. (I know a lot of people don’t even like cilantro because they say it smells or that it tastes like soap? I actually thought cilantro from grocers smell like nothing. Lol)

Aside from those two, there are plenty more. For example, my parents also has something that resembles lemongrass but it is like the baby version. It is a tinier herb with shorter but still long-ish leaves like lemongrass. It is also thinner and more delicate. Imagine lemongrass but 10x smaller. We also have an herb that we call “red duck foot” in Hmong. At least from what I recall, that’s the literal translation. It is a red purplish herb and the leaves are shaped like that of a duck’s foot. Hence the name. There are a few more but I won’t get into those.

To cook this dish you would need a freshly killed chicken. That is the preference for all Hmong people but you could definitely use a raw store bought whole chicken. Most times, I prefer store bought because fresh chicken is like game meats. There is a difference and much stronger flavor to it. I don’t mind it too much but it’s probably not for everyone’s taste buds. Especially, if you’re used to eating store bought chicken.

This dish is fairly simple and basic. All you need is whole chicken, herbs, salt, black pepper, and water. Think Hainanese chicken but with herbs instead of ginger and garlic to flavor chicken and the broth. Typically, this dish is eaten with the herbal soup on the side, along with rice and chicken (once cooked through, we chop it into pieces). There is also some kind of pepper dipping sauce or paste for your chicken.

Not only is this a typical Hmong meal but it is also eaten by mothers who just went through childbirth. It is actually a practice to eat this dish for 30 days straight for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A lot of folks say it’s to nourish and replenish your body since this soup has medicinal properties, however, I think this came into play because Hmongs didn’t have much back then. Even in today’s time, Hmong women still practice the eating of herbal chicken soup for 30 days. I can’t even imagine that since I’ve never been a mother. I’m sure I’ll be tired of it after the second meal of the day.

 

PHOTOS

Freshly killed whole chickens that have been cooked in herbal broth. Yes, a lot of people cook the chicken with head and feet on. No worries, chicken has been thoroughly cleaned and gutted. Head, neck, and feet are some people’s favorites. I don’t eat those but it doesn’t bother me that it’s all cooked together. I just don’t grab those parts when it’s eating time.

This is usually what the chicken pieces look like once we chop it up. I’m amazed at the chopping skills of most Hmong people. Sadly, I am not skilled in this. Maybe one day I will master this technique.

Sleep Paralysis

I recently went through a traumatic and terrifying experience. According to studies, this is commonly referred to as sleep paralysis. For two whole weeks, my sleep has been thrown off and I couldn’t bring myself to not feel fearful. It’s kind of weird that I had the experience on Halloween morning. Basically, I stirred and woke up around 3am because I felt the need to use the restroom but I decided against it. Just as I was about to fall asleep I heard this very loud, crashing noise. All of a sudden, I felt very scared and immediately in my mind I had already started to pray. That didn’t stop anything because I then felt like there was pressure on my bedside like someone was trying to lie down next to me. I tried with all my might to move, shove, and scream but could not. While I was finally focused on trying to scream to get anything out, the thing decided to breathe into my left ear. That spooked the crap out of me and I started scream at the top of my lungs. Finally, I was able to let out a pretty loud, terrifying scream. So loud that my sister woke up and heard me. By the time, she had heard me though I had already managed to turn on the lights, too. (In the morning, my sister finally told me that even my terrified scream had her feeling scared, too. That she knew for sure that I was beyond scared and that my scream sounded really scary… scary as though something had definitely tried to spook me.)

After that, I had to force myself not to sleep for the next 2.5 hours. I left the lights on but eventually drifted off to sleep. Every now and then I would wake up and feel scared again. I felt scared because I didn’t want to have the feelings of not being able to move or make any noise. Ever since that occurrence, I haven’t been able to sleep for the last two weeks. I would wake up often around 2-3am and feel frightened and felt the need to turn the lights on until I was ready to knock out again. Even during my weekends when I was supposed to sleep in I’ve been waking up and not falling asleep. That caused me to do my laundry at 7am on a Sunday morning because I was afraid to sleep in case anything strange happened. I really don’t know how else to handle this situation other than fighting my fears and being stronger. I think I did well last night for the first time in a long time. I didn’t turn my light on when I stirred in the morning and I really hope it will only get better from here on out. I’m so sick of feeling terrified and not being able to catch any sleep. Especially because I wake up so early to go to work it is definitely affecting my day and routine.

I have asked some facebook friends and family if they have experienced anything of the like and it is quite common. Especially, in the Hmong community. Not too sure about my American friends. Maybe they past this off as no big deal but in the Hmong community, we don’t see this as a mind trick as American people call it. We believe in the spiritual world so I honestly think this is my issue as well. Since I believe it as not just a mind trick I am more fearful. However, I am trying to believe that it truly is just in my mind and just a really bad, scary dream. Tonight, I will continue the prayers and hope for another good night’s rest.

Dog Poo?

So I woke up this morning and my dream was still clear to me. I dreamt that I had gone to work in a different city than my own. I parked behind a very tall skyscraper and walked down to a house to work. (So odd because in reality I don’t work in a house haha) All my coworkers in reality were there but we were all in the living room and sitting on the sofas working away.

Eventually, I ate my lunch and did my dishes in the kitchen. After, that everyone was just gone so I packed up my stuff and left the house/workplace. As soon as I walked outside I noticed that I was walking among things. I was thinking to myself why is the city so trashy and the sidewalks are filled with so much debris. People were starting to look at me and that’s when I really noticed that I was walking/stepping in dried up dog poo. It was just everywhere but somehow there were trailways where you can walk among the poop in the city haha… Bizarre right? Of course, while navigating through all the dog poo I somehow got lost and couldn’t locate my car or where I had parked it. Talk about some major stress!

Anyway, my question is will I get lucky soon? Will I get a windfall of some kind? In my culture, it is said that if you step in poo in your dreams you will get lucky/money will come to you. I guess in a way I want to see if something will happen to me. This is my proof post that I stepped in poo and will explain why I am so lucky going forward? Lol we shall see. ;)