The sorrows of being Human

As I write this, I’m feeling grief and sadness. The reality is that I’m mourning someone who isn’t dead. They are very much alive. Sometimes things can’t go our way and with that, we have to cut our losses. It’s sad when people are alive but we just can’t move forward together.

It’s been roughly three years now and I’m still mourning. I feel my heart will always ache. It sucks more when they are your family and blood. It cuts so deep. All the pain just comes rushing back with a simple song. The words are a reminder that deep inside I’ll always care and that I tried so hard to piece everything together. When there is a divide among family and you try your best to fix it all to no avail.

In the end, it was still a loss. My heart is left crumpled and there is this giant gaping hole. Nothing will ever patch it up. It hurts immensely. The floodgates opened up again upon hearing a song. The Hmong translation for this song was actually written for the loss of his mother. In my case, I felt the sadness but it wasn’t because of my mother. It is for the loss of my sister. The day I heard this song, I didn’t realize why I wanted to search it up and listen to it again. I knew I felt an immense sadness but didn’t figure it out at that time. This morning, when I went back to listen the tears started rolling. That’s when I knew it was for my sister.

People looking in would say, relationships may be able to repair itself. If only it was so simple. Even with my dad and his brothers, there was also a rip. Looking back, I recall my youngest uncle telling me that things just can’t be the same and can’t be fixed. As we drove away from the family reunion weekend, I felt sad and broken. Those words just kept echoing. At the time, I was in my mid twenties and felt like they were just being selfish. I didn’t understand why relationships can’t be repaired. Especially, when you are blood family. Now, that I’m older I realize that things aren’t so simple. There are so many little things all beaten up together. It’s like when you’re baking and mixing. You just can’t take things back. There has already been too much added in.

Life is so sad. I look back and revisit the good memories. Sometimes I cry about it because it’s all I can do now. Mourning the good times and cherishing them. Knowing that perhaps that is truly all we have left.

Below is the song that broke me. The title is called Nrhiav Kuv Niam by Jason Thao. The English translation of the song is “Searching for my Mother.” Basically, he is recalling all the memories of his mom and searching for her after losing her. Saying he will go into the next lifetime and will go in search of his mother. He’ll cross valleys and mountains to go bring his mom back. Even when he got there, he couldn’t find the one whom he calls his Mother. He will forever remember her love and that if there is a Heaven (and a next lifetime); hopefully, it remembers that they can be one again (mother & son).

35

I’m writing for no particular reason other than it’s been years. Maybe it’s because my heart is heavy and so much has changed in my life. Some are good and some are bad but that’s just how life is. It’s crazy how as we grow and age, our perceptions are different. Maybe it’s also because social media plays a huge part in our lives now. So we all learn to ebb and flow with the times.

I went through some of my older posts and I think it’s been at least three years since I’ve written anything. So many things have changed. I’ve lost and gained. Been happy and sad. Also, been through some very tough times in these past three years. I don’t know how else to explain it other than these were lessons and perhaps just meant to be that way.

Something that keeps popping up is that I will always love unconditionally. I will never understand why people can just drop off and walk away from anything or anyone. It’s the saddest thing. If you loved before, how does love just wilt away so quickly. This is what makes me feel that love is so painful. The reason why I will only believe that with family, it will always be unconditional love. However, when it comes to relationships it’s a double-edged sword. They do so say, with love we can’t always be afraid. Yet, I’m so afraid because I’m not sure if I will ever find unconditional love outside of my blood family. It’s something I yearn for but only find in myself when I’m with someone. I realize we all love differently but to know that someone else other than family, loves you unconditionally… I want that so much! I feel like that would be such a goal and feat for me. I think it will be blissful and I can die happy knowing there is someone else other than my family who loves me unconditionally. Life is so many shades and we never know what we will get. I pray and hope that better things are to come… in life and in love.